Toxicity, as defined, as a noun, is the quality, relative degree, or specific degree of being toxic or poisonous.
Going beyond just the simple dictionary descriptor, but applying this definition to people, leaves one with mental baggage.
Full of questions.
It leaves one with a misinterpretation of what a friendship or relationship truly is. One is also left with a fully constructed staircase leading to an invisible utopia. An unstable and incomplete building with the lack of a cured foundation. A vicious cycle. Where dependence and independence are blurred to justify the very "thing" that is poisoning you. It's the diet-soda idea: the lie one tells oneself to believe that it's NOT as bad - when in reality, it is worse. However, it remains true, like misery loves company, like cause and effect, like ebb and flow, that LIFE is a balancing act. A constant work out to equally spread the good and the bad in life out to their respective corners. A battlefield to maintain sanity and keep the emergence of insanity at bay. It is nothing but a game. In which one can only hope for the odds to ever be in one's favor.
Unfortunately, however, the odds are NOT always in your favor. In fact, far too often, they odds are evens: get evens, even this, even that, even if's, even when's, just a whole litter of evens not equating to much. As it is inevitable for us to disassociate our expectations with reality; we are left in a quicksand of the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" wondering why what we want is not what we got. Why we cannot will our desires to be those same desires of those around us? Why we cannot have our way? Why we have to take the high road on a by-way we tried to pave way to an end result we sought; thus, completely disregarding that there are more ways to a "decent" ending that will leave everyone, and NOT just you, content.
Our expectations cloud us. Build up dreams unattainable. Create people that do not exist. Ruin people that do exist. Break us while they also make us. Expectations, like a double edged sword, hurts ourselves and those around us because no one is truly who they say or show they are. No one shows all their cards - even if they "say" they do. No one is perfect even when they, at first, appear to be. It's just a matter of sifting through who you want to see the good, the bad, and the ugly with. It's also a matter of knowing when to stop sifting through all of life's ups and downs with someone you once considered worthy. Because not everyone who started with you WILL finish with you. Not everyone is worth keeping on board - especially when they are aiding the sinking of a ship you are trying to repair. Not EVERY one is worth it. Sometimes, we have to let go for our sanity, peace of mind and spirit, health of body and soul. Sometimes... we have to... LET GO and accept that what once was, will no longer be and that IS OKAY. It is okay, because it was grand while it was. It's just no longer grand now. Common, so eloquently puts in his song, The Light, "It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine." If those around you cannot see the Light with you, do not continue to nourish a weed because you think one day it will grow into a flower. M O V E on. Because it is time for you to grow freely, unencumbered by the tunnel vision of those who cannot recognize sunshine. Your magic, energy, space, and time is always worth the maximum protection. The constant rotation of the things and people you keep in your life is necessary. We are ever evolving thus are the things and the people around us. For you to believe otherwise, is for you to fall victim to expectations. So, do yourself the favor and just DON'T *in my Bryson Tiller voice.* Who you ARE today is not who you were five years ago let alone ten years ago let alone last week or yesterday. Don't be sad about that. It is called: G R O W T H. We all, or so is the "expectation" (haha - an oxymoron I suppose), go through it. We rise. We fall. We live. We learn. We turn around sometimes and go back, wishing, hoping, praying for what used to be until we realize that won't be the case. Then we move onward. And that's the beauty of growth. Doesn't matter how and when you do it; just as long as you do. Believe in your growth. And understand and respect the growth of others. The way you grow may not be they way those around you grow. The speed at which you grow may also differ. Recognize the process is different for everyone but the ACTUAL growing is inevitable. Believe in that too. Believe in the fact that once we've all grown, the final picture - which was blurry and unrecognizable, will fall effortlessly into place, like masterpieces always do. Just a little bit of patience is all it takes. So, as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air." Be You. Unapologetically. The rest will be as it shall.
:: Post Rationalizing(s)
"I don't look like what I've been through."
― Dustin, The Friend Zone, Ep. What About Your Friends —