:: s t e w i n g (contemplation-s)

Below, you'll find an entry, written some time ago now, that I've decided to share. Deciding to walk down a path where I am more OPEN, as I have been challenged by a few individuals in which I care about to reach beyond my limits, I will begin to share some thoughts I've always had, but chose never to voice. There's been a wind that has blown through my life as of late, and it is changing many things. I don't know what it will leave behind once it passes, but I think it will be GOOD. I hope it is GOOD. And with that, I leave this nugget here, one of many to come:

"How can I deny the world the most of me," sings Maybelle on Hairspray. And moments before then, she sings, "I offer BIG love with no apologies." Both verses, simply speaking volumes of love, giving, sharing, and accepting it. And in all honesty, as long overdue as this entry is, I must admit those verses dig deeply into my most hidden fibers.

Lacking in such a department as love, itself, I can speak of what I feel, what I've seen, and what I know already to be some ounce of truth. In that, I, yet again, admit a bit more about those well-guarded fibers: they long to one day really see the light of day. In a conversation in the wee hours of the morning with one of my best friends, it came to mind, something I keep cleverly hidden in shrouds of doubt, fear, and I presume to some extent an ignorance of what IT is, that all girls want to be that little girl they once were. Daring to dream of an endless and full consuming love. Longing to be noticed and wanted and needed by that special someone, by that other equal whole who sees you for you and respects just that. Wishing and waiting, kicking and screaming inside, and praying and hoping that God will bless YOU with such an individual. But, reality, or rather life, doesn't go as beautifully planned. In fact, it is quite the opposite. That promising love story is more of a journey of understanding and acceptance of self. Devoid of other and independent with only the love of God to carry one through each day until finally a sliver of light from the "other side" shines through (revealing the possibilities of sharing your richly self-groomed life with another warm bodied being). And until that moment, strength to carry on alone is the greatest goal to achieve, because it is the hardest to do.

So, then, where does that lead?

I haven't a clue, as I am still on that journey, learning, living and loving myself the best way I can. I know one day, I'll walk closer to that sliver of light and step fully into the unknown, welcoming the good, the bad, and the ugly in hopes of finding the best. Using my fear and strength hand in hand, I will fall ever so effortlessly into something I can proudly, one day, call true love. Yet, for now I will journey on, waiting, looking lightly around me, and accepting what cards have been dealt me.

— :: Post Rationalizing(s)

"I am not a person to say words out loud. I think them strongly, or let them hunger from the page.”

― Keri Hulme —

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f o r • e v e n • m o r e . . .